September 11th 2010

Its 1:18 am and B and I just got home from his moms house.  We both needed to get out of the apartment.  Mom's house is always a good place to go when your overwhelmed.  B's work layed him off until oct 1st and I am currently on disability from my nursing job since 8/4 because of my severe anxiety attacks that were interfering with my life too a point where I can kind of black out for several minutes until I realized what just happens.  B says when I am having them I cry and shake my head and try and run away from wherever I am.  Its very scary and confusing.  I normally get these anxiety attacks and the major depression during sun down, my therapist says there is something that had to have happened somewhere in my past that I have blocked out so thats what we are working on now.  I do not plan on staying on disability, I think I am just going to switch jobs, I need a new atmosphere.  Which brings me to my point for the night, running away and not accepting reality has been a problem of mine for a very long time, and since today is sept 11th it made me think of what I was doing 9 years ago.  I just remember not accepting the reality of it, and the gravity of it and just wanting to take a trip to burger king because my mom picked me up from school, I was a sophmore.  Anyway.. we got a 24 hour fitness membership last week and have been swimming and lifting weights and I have been "running"... or shuffling... still moving though, and I have lost 2 inches around my waist! woo hoo! 45.25" around my waist..... 238.6lbs.. 7 months and 26 days to go...