new running shoes

Today I went to the running center with my fiance and got fitted for some new running shoes.. they are light blue new balance stabalizing running shoes that feel amazing! They make me want to get out and run! I also swam my first mile on saturday after 2 years out of the pool in 41:30 and half of it was with a migraine... I found my inner strength.. I hope this feeling continues.

ugh!!!

Today has been bad! We had in n out for lunch... and steves burgers for dinner with no excercise!  I feel like crap.. I don't feel motivated.. I feel like im trapped in this body that is just making me miserable!!

September 11th 2010

Its 1:18 am and B and I just got home from his moms house.  We both needed to get out of the apartment.  Mom's house is always a good place to go when your overwhelmed.  B's work layed him off until oct 1st and I am currently on disability from my nursing job since 8/4 because of my severe anxiety attacks that were interfering with my life too a point where I can kind of black out for several minutes until I realized what just happens.  B says when I am having them I cry and shake my head and try and run away from wherever I am.  Its very scary and confusing.  I normally get these anxiety attacks and the major depression during sun down, my therapist says there is something that had to have happened somewhere in my past that I have blocked out so thats what we are working on now.  I do not plan on staying on disability, I think I am just going to switch jobs, I need a new atmosphere.  Which brings me to my point for the night, running away and not accepting reality has been a problem of mine for a very long time, and since today is sept 11th it made me think of what I was doing 9 years ago.  I just remember not accepting the reality of it, and the gravity of it and just wanting to take a trip to burger king because my mom picked me up from school, I was a sophmore.  Anyway.. we got a 24 hour fitness membership last week and have been swimming and lifting weights and I have been "running"... or shuffling... still moving though, and I have lost 2 inches around my waist! woo hoo! 45.25" around my waist..... 238.6lbs.. 7 months and 26 days to go...

Here it goes

So, I set up this blog when I started my "journey" 3 weeks ago, I haven't had the courage to post anything because I really don't know what to say... I am unhappy, uncomfortable and overwhelmed.  I weigh 240lbs today, 3 weeks ago my weight was 237.  So after 3 weeks of eating healthy and exercising I gained weight... I keep hearing muscle weighs more than fat, it doesn't really make you feel better.  As far as my exercising goes I have been jogging.. not very far.. more of a jog/walk, and swimming.  The swimming has been the easiest because I was on the swim team in high school so you never really lose it.  And my diet has been a low calorie high protein diet.  My fiance Blair has been doing everything with me every step of the day.  My whole struggle has been trying to come to terms with my weight.  How did I let this happen? I was always an athlete in high school and after up until about 2 years ago... I had 2 traumatizing incidences occur and with my depression I couldn't handle it and I tried to commit suicide by over dosing on my anxiety medications.  I ended up in a lock down mental hospital for 4 days on suicide watch.  After that I just let myself go.. I was so focused on trying to stay emotionally healthy that my physical health just went away.  I have gained 70 pounds in 2 years.. 70 pounds!!! But there is light at the end of the tunnel... I have realized that I cant let the past cripple me for the rest of my life, its time to start over and not regret my past but use it as fuel to work out that extra minute every day and eat one less cookie every day.  I have more motivation in me now then ever and I can't wait to see what the future holds...